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Sleeping disorders affect about five percent of the American population.
I am included in that five percent. It is for this reason that I now
turn my attention to the task of remedying a very specific type of
sleeping disorder.

Some people lose vast amounts of sleep due to
stress. Some have insomnia because they have done something as innocent
as switching to a quieter wristwatch. There are some individuals who
have not realized that they simply need a larger bed in order to sleep
better. For others, the problem is far more serious. Some people, like
me, cannot get enough rest because there are clowns in our rooms that
try to eat us in our sleep. It is my mission to provide some specific
instructions on how to get a good nights rest despite the presence of
those cannibal clowns.

Please allow me to clear up one common
misconception. There is no way to remove the clown presence altogether;
if they are hungry for flesh, then they are coming. The best we can do
is defend ourselves. By following these four simple steps, you too can
get the best possible sleep under the circumstances.

First,
start in your bedroom about ten minutes before it is time to turn in.
You really do not have to worry about clown attacks during the day.
Clowns tend to be nocturnal, preferring the cool night air to the hot
sun. It melts their make-up. Second, spread random things allover your
floor. Clowns have really big feet. If you spread enough stuff on the
floor, you can hear them sneaking up on you. I like to use things with
wires. On rare occasions you might even trip one, but don't bet on it.
Clowns are surprisingly agile. Computer speakers, lamps, radios, and
small televisions are all nice items to spread around. Don't use your
alarm clock though; the clowns will reset it as a goof. Telling your
professor that the clowns reset your alarm clock is worse than the dog
eating your homework; they won't understand. Once the floor is set up,
you are ready to climb into bed. This is when your training will really
payoff.

The third step should take place when you are ready to
lie down in bed. Turn the light off so that it is pitch black. If the
clowns can see your precise location in the bed, you're a sitting duck.
Make sure that your head is against the wall, this way if the clowns try
to bite you, it will be your feet and not your head. This is simple
math. You have ten toes, but only two ears.

Now, you are tucked
safely into bed. What to do when you hear the clowns? Let those clowns
know that you know they are in the room, that's what! Yell out, "I know
you're in here!" or "Leave me alone!" Also, you're going to want to yell
loud. Most times, there is more than one clown in the room, and you
want them all to know that you're on to them. This might make them leave
and return another night, when they have a better chance to sneak up on
you. There is a chance the clowns could answer back, and in that case
just stop yelling, for this is a bad sign. Get out of bed immediately,
go to the living room, and watch television until dawn. Warning: never
make a deal with a clown.

Finally, get yourself a clown horn. The
kind they are always running around with at the circus. When you
suspect a clown is getting close, and may be ready to clamp his pasty
white jaws around your ankle, sound off with that horn. This confuses
them terribly, for they won't realize it's you, and will have no idea
which one of them is blowing the horn. This will cause a lot of bumping
and crashing. Of course, the clowns will never suspect that an average
citizen would posses such an item. By this point, all but the most rabid
clowns will give up and go feast on someone else, leaving you to rest
peacefully.

The author understands that this takes a lot of work,
and that you may encounter significant resistance from roommates,
parents, and the like. They will most certainly say things such as, "Was
that a horn I heard last night?" or"" Don't start that clown crap
again!" or ""Have you ever even seen a clown in your room?" Of course,
you haven't seen a clown in your room. They're quick, like cockroaches.
These skeptics don't have to sleep in your bed at night. They don't
understand what it is like; being forced into that little Volkswagen
Beetle filled with unholy jesters foaming at the mouth. Pay them no
heed. Follow these simple steps, and set yourself on a path towards
better physical and mental health.

© Robert Lariviere